Self-Injury: Tips for Helpers & Significant Others

Contributors Rae Roach Joseph Terri Claire Essi Rachael Roach: My experience with family members is that they ask for me to open up and talk about it, and then the rejection seen on their faces when I say I’ve cut again is too much… Like a never ending Circle.      Scars   By Rae (6.21.99) You asked to see my scars but they do not convey the intensity of my pain I hurt deeper, I hurt more I don't heal like my scars scars fade, but they never disappear,  just like my memories permanent reminders of my secret anguish I want you to know the pain I feel but I can not express it. You asked to see my scars but they say too much scream of anger cry of despair speak softly of sadness I crossed my arms sat silently in front of you and kept my scars to myself.   Introduction     At the beginning of this section, participants involved in the current research into self-injury provide valuable tips about what helpers and significant others can do to help self-injurers. You will note that they also point out clearly what responses are unhelpful and best avoided. A summary of some key points identified is presented at the end of the first section. The section concludes with an abridgment of helpful and unhelpful strategies identified by the sample group who completed the survey for Healing the Hurt Within, some wise words from Essi, and a poignant poem by Rachael.     Joseph     People who SI [self-injure] aren't bad or making up problems – they're doing it to deal with pain. Reacting with anger and horror doesn't help and only hurts. Keeping someone from SI also does further harm—they need to stop on their own, at their own pace. Back to top   Terri     Listen. Don’t judge or pigeonhole. There are several excellent books and websites addressing the behavior; use those resources to be a better support person. Don’t freak out; that’s what puts the walls back up that we were peeking around with great trepidation. Self-injury is best described as a coping mechanism. You will find that self-injury shares similar co-morbid illnesses and behaviors as those of alcoholism, drug abuse, and sexual promiscuity to name a few. Realize that many of us fear hurting others with our pain, which is why we turn it back onto ourselves. We don’t have well-developed, healthy coping mechanisms for stressors in our lives. If we reach out, we want to heal. But it takes time, and the unknown scares us. Do not threaten us with ultimatums if we don’t stop the behavior cold turkey. Self-injury is not the disease; it’s a symptom. Self-injury is the part you see on the outside. The real issue is what lies beneath the surface. And beneath that surface is not just pain, but beauty.   Back to top   Claire           I have found the hardest thing is to confide in people – friends and family. Luckily for me my friends are understanding, helpful and very supportive, and I would urge people who are friends or family of someone who SI's not to condemn them for their actions, but to support them to understand why they feel the need to do this. I find the hardest thing is finding why I do this; why I react to stressors in this way. It's not easy but I am combating the need for self-injury with help from those who I know care about me.  Back to top   Summary of some key points identified       Good listening is crucial to effective helping.   Self-injury is a symptom of an underlying problem(s). It is a coping mechanism for dealing with high levels of emotional pain. Look beyond the symptom(s) to the person—focus on the underlying issues.    Reacting with hostility, judging, stereotyping and condemning are hurtful and unhelpful.    Coercing a person into stopping self-injuring or threatening him or her with ultimatums may prove counter-productive. The person needs to be allowed to stop at their own pace and in their own time.    It takes courage for self-injurers to admit they need help. If they disclose to you that they are hurting themselves it indicates they are willing to trust you. Show care, concern, compassion, respect, acceptance, and patience.  Helpful strategies identified by the sample group who completed the survey for Healing the Hurt Within:   Being trusted to take care of one's own wounds. Unconditional acceptance. Feeling valued and respected. Exploring unresolved issues from the past. Being assured feelings are normal. Being able to talk openly and honestly about issues. Feeling understood in spite of self-injuring. Space to explore why self-injury happens. Regular time and privacy set aside. Feeling safe to cry. Being taken seriously. Revealing scars for the first time. Speaking to a non-judgmental person. Being treated with firmness and gentleness. Learning to understand thought processes more. Working out how to cope with difficult situations. Keeping a journal/diary. Drawing painful and shameful experiences. Setting small targets and goals. Monitoring SI episodes and working out the triggers. No pressure to stop self-injury until other coping strategies are firmly in place.  Learning assertiveness, anger management, and stress management techniques.  Unhelpful strategies identified:  A dictatorial, judgmental approach. Denying the problem exists. Lack of continuity. Not being heard. Deeply ingrained issues not being addressed. Preconceived ideas, personal prejudices, and stereotyping.  Being left alone to cope with the aftermath. Ban on self-injury.  Back to top     Some wise words from Essi   If you are a friend, only consider yourself a real friend if you are willing to hear anything, anything, from your friends (well, I do personally put limits on bestiality and homicide).  I have had one too many supposedly "real" friends turn their back on me because of my SI. Oh, same thing goes for therps [therapists]. If you are a therp, do not freak! If you are a family member of a SI-er, be there for him/her. Be understanding and helpful, and don't get scared or offended if s/he feels s/he cannot talk to you because you are too close. And if you are a self-injurer, remember: you are not alone. There are so many amazing people out there who will care and help you. No matter how awful or terrible or scary or sad it seems, there are so many of us out there who know, who have been there, and who are fighting, who are fighting together.      Walk In My Shoes   By Rachael   It’s an anomalous, bizarre,  frightening attempt to feel real, To make the pain stop, To replace the hurting with  something far more tangible  the frightening flashes within my mind. The horror that I seek to avenge  or at least purge from my afflicted memory… To feel just a moment's relief from anguish, from a suffering that seems infinite. Do not judge me for you  have not walked in my shoes Just look away if it frightens you, and do not look into my eyes… For if you look into my eyes  you may notice that I reflect  something of your past We all have our shady, debased,  humiliating secrets, why must  mine be discernible to you? Do not ask questions you  wish not to hear responses for, Please do not stand in front of me  aghast, or simply appalled, For remember you do not walk in my shoes,  you have not ridden down my path,  and you shall not judge what is an impenetrable matter.           Self-Injury Links for Significant Others (Parents, Partners, Friends and Supporters)   Identifying the effect of self-injury on significant others References Sutton, J. (1999). Healing the Hurt Within: Understand and relieve the suffering behind self-destructive behaviour. Oxford: How to Books.

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  Page revised & updated 04.11.02